Waiting for rain to pour -- Another one for the grill

Lately... I haven't been myself. And it really sucks to know the fact that you are aware of it. Funny, I've always told myself that I won't regret anything I brought myself to do.

And I thought everything was going on so well. We agreed not to take matters out of hand. We were both reasonable when we ended it. But then again... I think I am not aware of my own actions.

Maybe I just can't resign to the fact that we just ended it. We still see eachother once or twice a month. We still talk, hang out, do all the things that we usually do. But I know I've been cold even before we gave up on everything we had.

But how would you react when you've found something between you're ex and someone... or in another instance... with some people? And learning these fact made you even think less of the possibilities of you and her getting back together.

You left each other thinking that there's still something there. But it needs to be rekindled. Needs to be reestablished, rebuilt. But you found out something. The question now is... who would you beleive? Everything now sounds like a lie. Those little compliments, every little thought of care, every simple expression of hope. Everything you thought you could rebuild, gone in a slip of words.

We all know that losing is painful. Losing a game sucks, losing a job is crap, losing in a bet is humiliating, losing a loved one hurts, losing someone you love is painful. Specially when you've given them everything you have.

And its even more painful when you learn that you've lost her to someone you know. And the fact that they hid it from you can definitely bring you to your knees.

Truth hurts. It does. It can even kill on an unreasonable basis. But realizing it was you at fault, and realizing it at the worst time possible beats the crap out of it. To top it up, you get the best comment of your life, it goes something like this, "I didn't cheat on you, I didn't deceive you, I never did. We're not even together anymore..." And to top it up, she said that while she's lying beside you.

The thing is... when you love someone... you give them everything you have. You give them time, you care for them, you give them consent, importance, love and of course, freedom. Loving someone doesn't mean you should be holding eachother by the neck and forcibly saying "You are mine and mine alone.." Yeah I admit I might have been like this at some point in time. But I've never nagged for attention. I gave everthing I could. I never asked for anything. And if I did, its not that much.

Another one for the grill...